This post is delicated to someone i care alot.

I did something terrible today to 1 of my close friend, or rather, my buddy. I not sure whether she would be able to read this post, but i guess this is the only channel i can voice out / apologize to her.

I know that no matter how many times of apology i am going to give, would be useless. I know that this matter really disappointed you a lot, or rather, damn lot. I know that "sorry" cant solve anything, but what can i say other than this? I don't know.

I felt really terrible after hearing you so angry and cried. I really didn't know what to say to you, or rather, explain to you, that's why i chose to keep quiet while we were on the phone. I know its all my fault, for the last minute thingy, and everything else.

To be frank, I was really in a dilemma in making this choice. To choose between him and you, either to against him, or you. I know i am selfish to make this decision, I know you would believe nothing i said now, or even perhaps, in the future. I really don't wish things to turn this way. I wanted to tell you last night, but i thought things will turn better today, so i asked him again minutes before i told you my decision, but ended up, his stand is still firm. Is not that i am not interested in the job, is i really got my reason behind it. I really wanted to accompany you for this job, 'cause its just a day event. I don't know if you know that me and him got alot of conflicts these few weeks, and i know that if i really insisted in my stand, more conflicts would happen again, so I decided to give up the job eventually. I know that it is unfair to you, but I really got no choice. Sorry.

Perhaps, if i make things clear days ago, things won't even come to this? I don't blame you for scolding me, i don't blame you for feeling rather disappointed in me, angry and etc, because i know its all my fault. I know that I would have the same reaction as you if this were to happen to me. I know how much you left in your wallet, and i am really guilty of it. I am guilty not because of what, but its because i break my words, if i insisted in going with you, then you wouldn't be so tight budget.(Sigh) You called me on my phone, and told me to spare a thought for you. You told me to stand in your shoes and think. You told me alot of stuffs and i kept quiet. Its not that i leave you there alone 'cause i got a stable job , or rather 2 now, in fact, i need more money, so that i can settle the things i told you before. I don't know if you understand the term when i say health problem. Its really hard to explain over here, but its like if i still continue to stay up till dawn, my health level is going to deteriorate even more, and that,especially when i am on medication now. The symptom is coming back, the one i told you about my family history, so i really cannot afford to worsen it anymore, so thats why i trying my best to sleep earlier each day, you may think its an excuse, but its not, its the truth.  

Just read your blog a while ago, believe it anot, this is the second time I cry in my whole life towards friendship. The first one is the group that i used to hang out together while i was still in teenagers life, and the second one is you. I know you really help me a lot, real lot, from the start till date, for every single thing that i needed someone to guide me through. You were always there when i need someone to cry out to, someone to share my problems with, someone to let me grumble on.. You never fail to be there for me, but instead, when you needed help, I walked away. I really don't wish to lose you as a good friend, as a buddy, as a sister or whatever you can name of.

Its my fault for telling you this last minute, or rather, for times, because i really don't know what to say/ how to phrase. (sigh) I really don't know how to explain anymore, or rather, i don't wish to explain any further, cause its all already too late. Believe me, I really don't wish things to happen like today, I not trying to be like her, I really got my reason that i cant go, like what i told you earlier on. I would not explain any more, but i really trusted every word that you say....

Lastly, you are really a wonderful friend. I will change my temper of mine, and i try not to repeat the same thing again, even though there is already a crack there.

Sorry, is the word that came out from my heart. 

♥ xiiao michelle ♥

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